The words lately seem to ebb and flow. More ebb and less flow however.
My stretches without blogging unfortunately weren't planned. I just feel a bit stuck lately.

If you've never experienced grief before, you may wonder, "what on earth is taking her SO long?!" and frankly, I ask of myself the same sometimes.

I'm finding that grief, like the season of panic attacks I went through seem to come as sneak attacks, when I"m not the least bit prepared. i.e. no tissues, no emergency mascara...

I've often felt a little guilty for stretches of "good days". Don't get me wrong, there isn't a  "good day" where I don't think about her and wonder how things would be now if she were still here. But, I don't cry every day like I used to.

The conversations I had with my pastor right after her suicide, he told me not to feel guilty for the good days. Our loved ones are always going to be in our hearts and not forgotten. So, I guess that's why I feel guilty. because I know, I will never, ever, never, ever, forget such a beautiful soul but part of me is afraid somehow I will...

The firsts.

When you lose someone you love, you grieve. But, then there are the "firsts" those are what I consider dates on a calendar that you see coming and you try to avoid them. The days that were special to you.

This past Saturday would've been her 41st birthday. I always used to joke and say "now, you have to tell me what to expect when I turn 40, since you've been there, done that!"  Last Friday, I was having an extremely hard to focus day at work.  My brain was full of "what if's"after some pretty big announcements were made and then, it got completely stuck on my friend. I left at lunch time and as I drove, the tears streamed down my face and into my lap. I was determined that I was going to the cemetery. I hadn't been there since September 3rd when she was laid to rest.
I wanted to sit and talk to her like I used to. I wanted to buy her a burrito from Chipolte for lunch. I wanted to pick out a card (she always liked the funny ones).
I didn't make it out to see her.

I pulled into the Target parking lot and tried to compose myself. I thought If I ran in and looked around for a few minutes I could pull it together and get myself to the cemetery.  I silently prayed that I wouldn't run into anyone I knew, because the way I was feeling, I would've broken down sobbing.
I managed to make it through Target but then came the torrential cloud burst of rain and thunder. Since I lost my umbrella a week before, I completely talked myself out of going that day.

I often think of her children and husband that she left behind and I know that what I'm feeling, they most certainly must be feeling it too, only in a different and deeper way.

Here's hoping that we can get through the firsts and maybe the seconds, thirds, (and so on) will be a bit more bearable.

Someone once said, "when you lose someone you love, life is never truly the same without them, you just eventually learn to cope and face each day a little stronger."

 He may bring us sorrow, but his love for us is sure and strong. He takes no pleasure in causing us grief or pain.
Lamentations 3:32

Linking today with Bonnie at The Faith Barista.



  1. Thank you for opening your heart and pen to share this with us, Kristin. I'm so sorry for all your pain. It sounds like the grief for your friend is still pretty raw. Hang in there and don't feel guilty either for grieving long or if some days are better. May Jesus hold you so close to His heart that you hear the rhythm of His faithful love and empathy! Hugs!

  2. Dearest Krista, Just wanted to let you know you are not alone in your grief...I'm crying along with you. It's been a year for me without my Mum, but in many ways I just feel the grief more deeply now as it becomes more real. Thank you for sharing your story: it helps me feel less alone. Birthdays are so very difficult. BTW cry those tears, sit at the cemetery and open your heart to God. There is healing in the tears. Praying for you to feel God holding you tight.