Last week I wrote about our Worship leader and how she stepped out in faith to share her ongoing battle with anxiety/panic attacks.

This week I'm going to share a little of my story.

When I think back a few years, I had a few minor anxiety attacks that must have been a precursor, maybe even a warning that should've been a red flag but, being a mom of an extremely active toddler, I didn't have time.

Sometimes you have to go backwards in order to move forwards.

And it's not easy at times.

Peeling back the layers like that of an onion revealing the strong odor that stings your eyes and makes them tear.

My family went through a very long rough season that seemed to last a very long time.

A few years ago my  Dad had a massive heart attack, his cardiologist said he had a blockage a quarter inch from his heart that most definitely would've been a widow maker .
A few months later, my grandmother, slipped away from us. She had already slipped away years before from the memory erasing disease called Alzheimer's.
Three months after that, we lost my (paternal) grandpa to prostate cancer. He had been ill for quite some time.
We had a short reprieve until we lost my Grandfather (maternal) to cancer as well.

I was strong and courageous throughout this marathon of death, illness and tragedy.

You see, I'm a stuffer.

I stuff my stuff until I get too full and it has to get out somehow.

I know what you might be thinking... it's not healthy to stuff your stuff. However, somewhere along the way, a thought was put into my head that I wasn't allowed to show that kind of emotion outwardly.

Sure, there were times I would cry but it was only when no one would see me.

I had to be strong for everyone else.

Within the next couple of years I received my Judas Kiss and the repercussions of that (amazingly) sent me into my first real panic attack.

I was driving home from work one evening, It was  snowy and the roads weren't in the best shape.

My husband had to work a little later that night so he was still back at the office.

As I navigated the wintry conditions, my muscles tensed, a searing hot sensation ran from the top of my head, down my arms, and all the way down through my torso. Pins and needles followed, sweating, shortness of breath. I was too afraid to pull over, I thought that I was going to die. I kept willing myself to just make it home and then I could get help. I called my husband to tell him what was the matter and  to tell him that I loved him because I was sure I wasn't going to make it.

These sensations came in waves. The fact that I had no idea what was happening to me more than likely intensified them.

Long story short, I ended up at the doctor's office the next morning with my concerned husband.  The doctor could find nothing wrong with me. He wrote me a prescription for Xanax to take as needed.

I spent a lot of time visiting with him over the next several years. Every time we met, I felt like I was going crazy because he could find nothing wrong with me.

I researched hormones, early menopause (yes, really!), thyroid, adrenal fatigue. Each time I thought I had nailed it down, my self diagnosis was shot down.

I tried several different meds in the beginning and they all made me feel worse. So, I struggled and battled alone for the first couple of years.

I didn't want to eat much and I read that exercise helps boost serotonin levels. So I became very fit and lost 25 pounds.
People that didn't know my inner struggle would ask "you've lost weight haven't you? Girl, you look great!"
Yes, on the outside I looked great. Probably the most fit I've ever been but, on the inside I was an absolute mess.

It's taken me a few years to get to the place where I can actually share this story. It's not easy to share.

I'm so thankful for my husband. He stuck with me through this and continues to do so when I have my "moments" I like to call them.

I've since found a medication that works.  I pray that some day, I can will be free of this horrible affliction.

For now, I saturate with scripture and I'm reading this amazing book. It's forcing me to take a look back and journal about finding and creating rest.

You see, if we do not allow ourselves to truly rest in Him and we let our minds get frazzled, foggy, and fuzzy then we're more apt to walk right into an attack on our minds. Trust me, I've totally been there friends.

Just as I told our worship leader, If you have anxiety/panic attacks, depression, even mental exhaustion, YOU my friends are not alone!  And it stinks, it really does! You don't even know how to describe what is going on in your mind and body when it happens and sometimes, you don't know the what, why and how this could be happening to you.

For you my friends I offer this:

The Lord says, "Small and weak as you are, Israel, don't be afraid; I will help you. I the holy God of Israel, am the one who saves you.  Isaiah 41:14 GNB

 For we are not fighting against human beings but against the wicked spiritual forces in the heavenly world, the rulers, authorities, and cosmic powers of this dark age. Ephesians 6:12 GNB

  I am the Lord your God; I strengthen you and say, Do no be afraid; I will help you. Isaiah 41:13 

 So then, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, so that you will be healed. The prayer of a good person has a powerful effect. James 5:16 GNB

 But his answer was: "My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak." I am most happy then to be proud of my weaknesses, in order to feel the protection of Christ's power over me. 2 Corinthians 12:9 GNB 

for you know that when your faith succeeds in facing such trials, the result is the ability to endure. James 1:3 GNB

Lord Jesus, I lift each and every person up to you right now that struggles with the terrible mind binding spirits of anxiety/panic attacks, depression, and mental exhaustion. We know that the devil comes only to seek, kill, and destroy and we also know that you, Father have given us Power to tread on snakes and scorpions. You alone Lord give us the mind of Christ. Saturate our minds Lord, our hearts and our spirits with your precious peace. We don't want to suffer with these horrible attacks on our minds any longer, we long to be free! It says in your word that where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. Set us free Father!
 I ask that you would send your spirit to come upon us, let us feel the warmth of your love and perfect peace.

In Jesus Mighty name,


Linking today with The Faith Barista


  1. So sorry about those anxiety attacks, Krista, and the grueling time it took to find something that helped. I'm glad you have the freedom to talk about it now. I, too, always think I have to be strong for others. I love the verses you share, especially how God promises to give the grace and power to overcome our weaknesses.

    1. I just heard one of my favorite pastor's yesterday via pod cast and she said that God sometimes doesn't deliver us from our troubles so that he can use us to minister to others (and I believe) to shine our light and show our faith.
      I'm also glad I've finally come to this place of being able to share. It feels wonderful to have others in the trenches with us! :)
      Blessings to you my friend! :)

  2. Thanks for sharing your story, Krista! I love your illustration about peeling the onion and bringing out the odor that makes your eyes tear. I've been through major depression and anxiety, and I'm thankful that my doctor has found a combination of meds that controls it. I'm thankful that you, too, have found a medication that works. Blessings to you!

    1. Thank you Melissa! Sometimes I get a little down on myself and wonder why I can't do this without the medication but God created the physicians to treat us and make us feel better right? :)
      Thanks for stopping by!

  3. Thank you Krista for sharing your story.....your openness is helping all of us. It is amazing to me how the body responds to that which we repress....I have had similar things happen to me....Jesus walks with us, thankfully. Hugs and prayers.....

    1. I feel so blessed to be in the trenches with you too Renee! It's comforting to know that Jesus always walks with us.!
      (((HUGS))) to you too my friend!

  4. Krista, thank you for sharing your story. It helps us all to remember that we are not alone as we journey together to find spiritual whitespace. Thank you for sharing the verses too! This verse has really helped me this week: Psalm 119:49-50 Remember your word to your servant, for you have given me hope. My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.

    1. For the longest time I felt like I was the only one going through all of this (deep down I knew I wasn't). It IS so refreshing to know that we aren't alone. Like Bonnie says, We're kindreds walking this together. :)
      I like the Psalm that you shared! I'm marking it in my bible app for reference! :)
      Blessing to you!