When there are no answers to your 'why'

Our last moments together were like any other day.  We took our break early and the air was unseasonably crisp.

It's odd how God makes you notice things in a moment and you just know it's something that you'll never forget. Ever.

I remember as we set out for the walking path she started to complain that it was "too cold this morning" and her sun kissed arms were covered in goose flesh. Little hairs stood at attention and she shivered. We agreed that we should just go in and walk around inside the office.

There was something amiss but I just couldn't put my finger on it. When I look back now, there was a restlessness about her that morning. Our walk was cut short as she "just couldn't focus here today" and wanted to leave early and take some personal time.
Coming from someone who never took time for herself, I encouraged it. "Go, I said. Take the day, it's going to be beautiful out and you never take time for you."
With that she thanked me for walking with her, smiled her gorgeous megawatt smile and that was that.

The next day, I learned my sweet friend took her life. She was due to come in late but never showed up. We all tried to call and text but no response.

We all shrieked in terror and sobbed in disbelief.  How could someone that had it all and loved so much get so deep in overwhelming despair? How could she leave just like that? No goodbye. No reasons. No answers. Only speculations and rumors.
Stupid rumors.

When I got home that day I logged into face book for the first time in a while as I decided to "take a break".  There sat a message my sweet friend sent 12 days earlier. A message I ignored.
 I had told her the next day, I'd seen it come through but couldn't read it because I didn't have the  messenger app. She laughed it off but I could tell I may have hurt her feelings.
I logged in and installed the stupid app just so I could read one last message.
After I read it, I sobbed uncontrollably. She had thanked me for listening to her, encouraging her, and always smiling.  She told me that I was a true friend and asked if I wanted to walk again the next day.
I now wish I would've logged in and answered her before it was too late. I wish I would've asked more questions, offered to pray with her. Reached out and told her that she was worth it!  I had no idea. I had no idea because she hid her pain. She hid her pain so well!

This proves the fact that just because someone is beautiful, kind, and has a smile for everyone, doesn't mean that their life is perfect on the inside.

When something of this magnitude shakes you to your very foundation, you can do either one of two things; run away from it and pretend you're OK, or walk through the storms as they come through with the winds of change.

Good grief...

I'm meeting grief head on. This is a new experience for me.

It's a love/hate thing.

If you recall I'm a stuffer. I decided that this had to change after reading Spiritual White space by Bonnie Gray. This book taught me that I need to feel my feelings.

And boy have I.

 I'm feeling so much and in a strange kind of way, I'm embracing it.

I'm letting myself grieve.

A person that prided herself in being strong for everyone else, always pushing through the pain, and never crying in public, I've completely turned over a new leaf there.

I've cried at work. I've cried openly in public. I've allowed people see me ugly cry. I've moped. I've wallowed. I've asked God repeatedly "WHYYYYY?!"

It's odd to me, how certain things trigger the feelings of grief.

It's also amazing how after a tragedy like this, the people directly affected turn to each other and  hold one another up when they cannot stand in the middle of it.

I find a strange kind of irony in the fact that this week is suicide awareness week.

I also am finding a new platform to support and promote as I will be walking in the Out  Of The Darkness walk for the American Suicide Prevention Foundation  on October 12th.

The one thing I wish (other than the fact that this never would've happened) is, I wish my friend would've known how many lives she's touched, How many people are better people for having known her.

Another moment of irony.
I received Holley Gerth's latest book, What Your Heart Needs for the Hard Days to review this month. I got it the same day my friend hugged me just a little too tight (if only I had known it was her subtle goodbye). I knew she was stressed and vowed to buy her a copy and gift it to her soon. I never had a chance.

Again, the irony. This book has been a blessing in this time of grief and desperation. When things aren't making sense, Holley reaches out and touches my heart with her words. They comfort my soul.

As I continue to search for answers I know I'll never find, I find peace in knowing that my friend is no longer hurting. She is truly free and celebrating with Jesus in Heaven.

It Is Well

Day by Day