So I've been visiting other blogs lately to see what inspires others to blog/write. I'm feeling very "amateur" after reading some of them but I have to keep reminding myself that this is what God wants from me. Even if I don't sound as eloquent and thought provoking as they do.

It's been a rough few weeks for me. I've been dealing living with anxiety for the past three years and I just had an epiphany as to the what and why. Totally rocked me. You know, one of those moments where things click and you just get it. Finally, after three really long years of not knowing when the next attack will hit me. Waking in the night, gripped with panic and not knowing why because you were just sleeping pretty good a few moments before. That hasn't really stopped, but at least I know what the cause is and can move forward in healing.

I've been following Bonnie Gray (The Faith Barrista), an amazing woman who writes a blog about her life and experiences with PTSD. I happened to be perusing some of her archived posts a couple of weekends ago and what she wrote hit me hard. Right between the eyes, knees buckling, tears flowing, and body shaking. I read the sentence again. "Because you've never allowed yourself to admit... you have been wounded." I read part of the blog to my husband and could barely speak because I was sobbing so hard. This is it! This is the thing that has caused fear to sneak attack when I'm just minding my own business. This is what I hide from the general public.

When life has been unkind to me, when I've been met with tragedy, I've never allowed myself to grieve. I've never allowed myself to wallow, to really feel the pain of it all. Sure, I may have shed a few tears but nothing more. It's something that I've always done even at the tender age of 7. My cousin that I was very close to was killed. He was hit by a car while walking to school and he didn't look both ways. I remember not knowing what to think or feel. I don't even think that I cried (I honestly cannot remember). My parents have said that they always thought I "handled his death very well for a 7 year old". Something within me has always said  "suck it up and move on" and "smile, people don't like to see sadness". And so that's the way it's always been for me. I've been the strong one when everyone else is falling apart. I was the one at my Grandfather's funeral smiling and thanking people for coming. I was the one when  deception met me face to face that sucked it up, put on a smile and said "let's just move forward, we need to get through this."

If you were to see me (and know me just on the surface), you'd have no idea that all of this is trapped inside. Like when you pack too much in your suitcase and have to sit on it to get it to zip. All of that stuff trapped inside my giant suitcase and I'm hoping nobody sees the unmentionables hanging out the sides. When those things of the past rear their ugly heads, I hurry and shove them back inside and sit on it so I don't have to deal with it. Because, I don't have time to deal with sadness, ugliness, pain... I want everyone to think everything is perfect. I want to be seen as happy all the time! I hate to cry!


I now finally realize that I should've felt OK to grieve and be angry. it's OK not to have a smile on my face all the time. I've had many chats with God and he keeps asking me to trust. "Trust me" he whispers. So, I will trust. When the panic wakes me at 3A.M., I will trust. When I see or hear things that start to stir the ashes of things I don't want to revisit, I will trust.

See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:19 NIV






8 Comments

  1. I am so glad I joined Faith Jam and met you. I am always amazed when God leads me to others that have the same feelings!

    I am so used to trying to be perfect so I worried for weeks about my blog. (I try not to now but it still sneaks up on me!)

    I am on anxiety meds but it is very very mild. I have found my trigger and I am learning to try to control it.

    Last but not least, cover your pain with humor :-)

    So very much alike. I am so glad we are jamming together :-)

    Love, Patty

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    1. It's great to meet you too Patty!
      Thanks for your kind words:)

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  2. So glad I hopped over here from Faith's sight. You are so real and I loved how you opened your heart. Hang in there. I think we are all trying to find our way on this journey of who we are. Have a blessed week

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    1. Thank you for hopping over Tammy :)
      You have a blessed week too!

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  3. Sucking it up, smiling and moving forward - been there, done that - had the resulting anxiety down the line too! And I'm glad it's not just me that cries at Bonnie's words when I recognise myself.

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    1. Thank you Princess! You definitely aren't alone in crying while reading Bonnie's words. ;)

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  4. Dear Krista, I'm crying right with you. It's just terrifying. I know the sheer pain that shoots in your heart and your body, that sends your soul flying out when I'm sleeping and a panic attack sears through me. I have had to go back to the moments in my life where "I handled everything so well". ;) THe wounded parts of us are calling for us to love and give her space to cry and grieve. There was so much I sought out a therpaist specializing in PTSD (EMDR was my choice of treatment). So if you are at all considering it, know that is the path I took and it is helping me uncover those wounded memories. Which has in turn slowly but surely relieved my body of panic attacks at night. Thank you so much for writing from your soul with us in the Faith Jam. I feel so so grateful for your words and to share in your journey. We not so alone anymore. ;)

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    1. Thank you Bonnie! I am honored that you stopped by. :)
      I'm hopeful that I will be on the other side of this mountain in time. I've seen how far you've come and it gives me such hope!
      Thankful that our paths have crossed. :)

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